I’m sorry, Smedley, but it’s time for you to go. You’re not a bad cat. In fact, you’re quite the adorable little kitten, which makes this tougher than it has to be. But you see, you don’t belong to me. You belong to that guy, over there, across the table. You’re his kitten, and if I’m going to win, well… I promise it’ll be over quick.
No, don’t look at me like that, dear Smedley. This is something I have to do. You see all of my kittens in the box across the counter? I have to save them. But to do that, some sacrifices have to be made. You understand, don’t you Smedley?
Dammit, Smedley! I promised that I wouldn’t cry! Now look at me… It doesn’t change anything, this is the way it has to be. Your owner only loses points if I actually hit the “blend” button, and I’ll get all the points for saving my own kittens. It’s cruel, I know, but you know Smedley? Life is cruel. I didn’t make the rules, technically Redshift Games did when they saved you all from the former publisher closing and launched a Kickstarter campaign to bring you back to the masses.
But you didn’t realize it would end this way, did you? You even brought enough of your fellow kittens for up to four humans to partake in the kitten blending process. It’s not like we want to do this, Smedley. But we have to, to win. When you play Kittens in a Blender, you win or you die. There is no middle ground, Smedley, not for you or any of your adorable pals.
Oh, don’t give me that, Smedley! It’s not like I had many options here. I only get to do two things on my turn, and the first one was to throw you in this blender here. And the second? Well… We know how that ends, don’t we? So you see, my choices were limited. And next turn, I’m going to throw some of my own kittens in the box to save them. It’s nothing personal, you just happen to purr for the wrong team. Maybe in a different life, things would be different…
Goodbye, Smedley. Your death will not be in vain, since I’m totally going to score two points for each of my cats that I save in the box and your owner will lose one for getting blended.
Now, Smedley… Time to die.
… Wait, what? Are you kidding me?? Dammit, I just wasted a perfectly good Blend, and you had to go and put a stop to it with your Pulse? All of that was for nothing!?
You and your master win this round, Smed. But next turn, I’m drinking a Smedley smoothie. You can bet all my kittens on it.
Score: 3 out of 5